Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
