i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
she pinky promised me she was 18
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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