I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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