just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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