My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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