i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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