4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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