i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
