No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
