dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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