some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
that is very illegal...i love you.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
