so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
two words...techno handjob
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
