Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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