I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
