I just threw up on my dentist
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
