He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
