How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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