She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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