you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
