Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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