just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
