Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
