i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
