Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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