I think my fart just growled at me.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
