The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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