can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
