Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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