A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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