if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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