if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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