I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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