You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
