this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
