Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
