So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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