You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
