I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
