He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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