I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
