saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
