I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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