she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
