you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize