Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
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