on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
