I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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