i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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