I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
