I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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