I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's never too late to be topless.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
