can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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