i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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