you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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