Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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