It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
