I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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