Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize