I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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