My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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