$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
