we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
