Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
