I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
