Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
