i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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